“There is a crisis of UNPRECEDENTED MAGNITUDE in the black community, one that goes to the very heart of its survival, THE BLACK FAMILY IS FAILING!!” (Rangel, Black Families Are In A State of Emergency, 2005). An issue a mist the black community that is rarely publicized or spoken about is the phenomenon of the “Single Black Mother”. More times than not we see single mother’s and assume that they are strong, independent and defying all odds for the greater good of her child(ren). At times it even seems that amongst the black community, being a black single mother renders a certain level of respect and accolades amongst the black culture. Often times it is ASSUMED that the woman is doing it “all alone” due to the father not being present or rarely involved with the child BY CHOICE rendering the mother the SOLE caretaker of the child or children. We seldom stop to think of any other logical explanation for the racial skew of BLACK women as single mothers amongst other races of women, other than that the father’s MUST be deadbeats somewhere living their “best lives” child free. Meanwhile, the woman is left to work 2 -3 jobs slaving away in spite of child support and government assistance to make a living for herself and her seed, still managing to keep her hair, nails and toes DONE!
Some mothers GLADLY post HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ME! As a slight and bash at the men they decided to CREATE children with insinuating that she is BOTH, mother and father to her child. Without drowning in the NUMEROUS reasons this could never be emotionally, mentally or PHYSICALLY correct the issue remains as OTHER women congratulate and applaud this sort of behavior.
But what if I told you this was FAR from the truth for some and that an even more grim situation is happening RIGHT before our eyes within our community that has continued to CRIPPLE and sabotage the BLACK FAMILY UNIT for generations and generations while being disguised as a badge of honor and resilience. What if I told you some of the children being raised by “single Mothers” have been “DOMESTICALLY KIDNAPPED” and the father does not even KNOW where they ARE; due to SIMPLY no longer being with the MOTHER!!
I am not referring to the normal definition of kidnapping as taking someone else’s child and holding them for a ransom. I am referring to a mother that PURPOSELY keeps the children away from their father for any reason other than imminent abuse or neglect! In the state of Georgia if a couple is not married and a child is conceived the mother is automatically awarded full custody of the child rendering the father powerless of any legal or detrimental decisions for the child. Visitation is often left to the judgement of the parents involved which most times than not results in the father rarely if ever seeing his children. The father pays child support without the mother being held to any law regarding visitation for the father. There have been several circumstances where the mother has purposely refrained from allowing the father to interact or visit with his children due to entering a new relationship, having bitter or residual feelings for the father or choosing to move out of the city or state!
Recently while scanning snapchat I came across a post from a friend of mine that was enraptured at the decision of the court to FINALLY award him custody of his twin children. He gritted his teeth into the camera and spit “YES!!! YES!!!! I FINALLY GET TO GET MY KIDS!!!!!!!! ……… The energy and power of his confession was even more moving due to personally knowing his family and witnessing the love, nurture and support they give to their shared children. They seem to be adventurous and whimsical but most importantly NON JUDGEMENTAL! It seems they have RELEASED their children of the obligation to “make them proud” and to instead choose to be THEMSELVES (Tyquaile, Shamiria, 2022), which is the greatest gift ANY parent could give their child. I can not imagine not being able to share the same life with ALL of my children due to a misunderstanding or romantic misfortune between two ADULTS!
Could you imagine not knowing where your child is or what is happening to them? Who they are interacting with and having an influence over their lives instead of you? Could you imagine laying awake at night wondering what they are thinking about you and if you will ever see them again. Could you imagine awaiting the day you can touch them or hold them again however, afraid of what they have learned to feel about a situation that was out of your control? Could you wonder for the rest of your life if you will ever truly have a relationship or bond with the most IMPORTANT person/people in your life? While the person that took them carried on as a HERO?
IF THE ANSWER TO THIS IS NO then IMAGINE what it must feel like for a father who’s children were/are BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM!! If you are a black woman CLAIMING to be a SINGLE MOTHER however, aware that the father of your children would DEARLY want to see or visit with his kids YOU ARE NOT A SINGLE MOTHER! You should be a FELON!
Women that are friends with “SINGLE MOTHERS” that are purposely not being home, in town or blatantly keeping them apart from their fathers, stop being afraid to tell your FRIEND that she is not ONLY hurting the father but she is hurting her CHILDREN and leaving them to be CONFUSED later in life when they DO SEEK OUT THEIR FATHERS side of the story, WHICH THEY WILL….You will have much explaining to do and if things do not add up you will have worn the badge of SINGLE MOTHER only to later pay the price of being a SELFISH MOTHER instead.
Women if you are with a man that has children of which he pays child support for and has not seen in YEARS, do not disregard or attempt to gaslight his situation! He is NOT OK! There is a process to getting custody and visitation with your kids however, it is not an overnight program and does take time! If he is wanting to begin the grueling process of locating his children DO IT WITH HIM IF YOU TRULY SUPPORT HIM! You would want him to support YOU if it was YOUR CHILD!!!
Last but NOT least, if you are a father that has lost your children in a bitter emotional drama and feel helpless or powerless in life as your kiddos grow and learn without you, you are NOT alone! There are many other men dealing with the SAME emotional dilemma as well. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO START THE PROCESS contact the courts today in regards to your children and how to set up scheduled visitation if you are paying child support for them. Believe it or not you do have an obligation STILL to your children, it may seem that they are “gone” and all you can do is stand by and wait…but it’s not TRUE. YOU CAN FIGHT AND YOU SHOULD!!!
Check out the podcast of this episode:
Resources:
https://anchor.fm/shamiria-mahaffey/
https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CRECB-2005-pt13/html/CRECB-2005-pt13-Pg17351-4.htm
Some Dope Black Girl Writes.. 
From*
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I see what you are saying, but the mothers wouldn’t be able to “kidnap” the child if he made a sincere effort to take care of and see the child. If he’s doing nothing, then, he doesn’t deserve to know where the child is. If he cared, then he would do something take care of the well-being of his child. Doing your best may not be enough in the eyes of the law or courts but a child wouldn’t care about the eyes of the law or courts. All a child would care about is Dad is there.
Black men who came out of slavery took better care of their children than black men today and these men had absolutely nothing. Had these men who were former slave had not done so, the Black community wouldn’t have survived this long. Too many Black children are losing out because their fathers are being babied. If he can’t support his children, then he needs to stop making so many women mothers. Too many of these men have 2-9 baby’s mothers.
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Thank you so much for your feedback I understand completely your point of view on this topic that continues to be one of the cornerstones of our cultures demise. However, seeing your child should not be a LUXERY at any point! Regardless of “perceived” efforts and concern. People have roadblocks in life including fathers, take into account that believe it or not MEN CAN STILL BE GROWING UP MENTALLY even if they have children just like some young girls? Did you think of the phenomenon of babies that end up having babies themselves? The immaturity will eventually subside as it always does but holding someones kids basically hostage should not be a CONSEQUENCE. Last but not least most times fathers are working NON-STOP to ensure they can afford child support and their own bills! Rendering a small window to see their children WHEN THEY CAN it’s not always they don’t WANT TOO. Bottom line I feel if a father is on child support he should also have visitation set in stone, not just a price tag 🏷. I truly understand where you are coming from and agree times and generations have changed in the concern and accountability held for certain situations but the SYSTEM hasn’t. It’s wrong and it hurts the child more than anyone else involved. Instead of keeping fathers away gem their children some MOTHER’S need to take accountability for WHO THEY CHOOSE TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH. again thank you so much for your feedback podcast coming soon!!!
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From what I observed as a former AFDC case worker these men often caused more strife in this single parented family than help. How is it helping the child when he often doesn’t show up when he say he will.. Those who try and work with the mother of their children which is rare. Many of these men have multiple children mothers. To see it from the inside is horrible to watch. The child ends up heart broken because they are too young to understand why Daddy doesn’t come and stay.
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ABSOLUTELY!!! The child will be CRUSHED!!! Because they do NOT understand and MOST times THIS is what the mother is trying to postpone until they “think” the child is old enough to “understand” but (NEWS FLASH) they NEVER DO! The time wasted trying NOT to let the child experience who their OTHER parent REALLY IS only POSTPONES the reality of the situation and EVEN possibly gives the child FALSE hopes foe a future with the dad that does NOT EXIST! Like I said before MOTHER’S Shouldn’t get to DECIDE if a father is a “bad influence” AFTER THEY LAID DOWN AND GOT PREGNANT!!! If the father is inconsistent let the KID figure this out which IS HURTFUL to watch however, perhaps if mothers KNEW they had to deal with and accept responsibility for choosing low grade partners they would be more careful who they spread their legs too unprotected 💅🏾💯
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As a caseworker I often had to work as a counselor too. Very few women start out right off the bat with the intention of the father being denied seeing his child. Most women decide this after dozens of no-show. No gifts, no calls, and definitely no money. Many do not show up for the child’s birth and the child is often several months old before he sees him or her for the first time.
No mother worth her maternal love is going to keep putting a grown man’s feelings, wants, and drama before her child. Seeing her child crushed is what make most women decided the father is not worth the effort. And cut him off. Raising a child is not a plaything.
Most of these men are bold faced lying. I have looked them in the face and asked them some hard questions they didn’t want to answer. Like why didn’t you wear a condom if you knew you didn’t want the child? If you knew you didn’t want to settle down with that “woman” and raise that
“child” why did you keep visiting her, knowing your intentions were not good.
I have looked them in the eyes and told them, “Don’t hand me the drama ” if the mothers KNEW they had to deal with and accept responsibility for choosing low grade partners they would be more careful who they spread their legs too unprotected sex.” I have heard that said on nearly a daily basis. We both know that is not how things went down. He usually presented himself as a man of quality. I know they lie afterward and say they didn’t.
Most of these so-called visitation issues are not about the child at all. It’s all about him and his drama at the moment. His drama may changed tomorrow or next week. That’s why it’s the court is so hard on them. The child doesn’t need to be constantly exposed to their father’s pettiness.
Many of these men are on record as having as many as four to ten different baby’s mothers. It’s a male ego game to them. I learned most of these women didn’t learn just how inconsistent the father was until after they got pregnant. Before then, many of these men presented a front that they wanted a real relationship until they learned she was pregnant. That’s when they showed their true color. And they lay the entire pregnancy on her. It takes two to make a baby.
They don’t care about crushing the child’s feelings. I’m telling you I have seen it over and over. I don’t know what drama they have been pulling to get so many women on their side, but it’s best that the child do not see them while the child is young. When older and able to comprehend things better is the best time for children to get to know him so they can decide for themselves what he is.
Some of these men want to use the child as a weapon against the mother for dumping him. They will do just that. They don’t love her. It’s an ego thing. She dumped them and that wasn’t supposed to happen.
I’m also aware that these men often get someone else in their life to help them so-call set the child’s mother straight. I suggest other women stay the devil out of this drama and stop letting him use you as a tool. If he did it to one woman, then he will do it to another.
Honorable men who would’ve married the mother of their child to give the child their best. Once a child is in the picture, it’s not all about you anymore.
Some caseworkers have been hoodwinked by these men, and browbeat the mothers into accepting his requests only to have to eat her own words, because he will visit regularly for a few weeks, but eventually he will start lacking off when he see raising a child is hard work and stop visiting, and then the kid is crying and the distress mother will call you, the caseworker, and cuss you out. Report you to your boss.
During the novel of Pride and Prejudice, written by Jane Austen. ‘Charlotte Lucas says: “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”
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