I felt the need to write a blog about this topic due to the consistent number of individuals I have noticed within my community of African-American individuals that tend to have issues securing successful romantic relationships or family ties due to instead choosing an overly dedicated sense of loyalty to friendships and relationships with others outside of what would assumedly be their “intimate” circle ie. wife, siblings, close family members. Many times these individuals (HomeBOY/HomeGIRL type)are very charismatic, funny, loyal and dependable, not always “attractive” however, sometimes their “personality of GOLD” outshines the not so enticing physical characteristics. They tend to always be there when you need them the most and only a phone call or text away. One day you think to yourself:
SELF: “hmmm They say before being involved romantically you should have a friendship?! This person makes a MARVELOUS friend therefore, they must make to be an even more WONDERFUL partner RIGHT!”
REALITY: Nah fam, They priorities is F’d up….
If we decide to enter a romantic relationship with a HOMEBOY/HOMEGIRL type, we feel instantly lucky to have them as “our own” due to feeling what they depicted they would do for you as a “friend” would translate to what they would do for you as a lover. In other words, it’s all good until you realize that “Homies TRULY DO come first” and you just moved into second place by thinking you were solidifying a more PERMANENT place in their lives as a lover. Most times when you decide to break up with a “HomeBOY/HomeGIRL” type they have many friends that think you are the enemy in the matter, They will even go as far as to say YOU did not know what YOU had. Some will think you are jealous, controlling or just down right crazy without truly knowing what it feels like to be with “the homie”.
This is only because LIKE YOU once upon a time, they can not see the other side of the coin, which consisted of nights spent alone due to “the homie needing someone to be their because of a break-up or loss”, or events missed because “they promised the homie they would be there for their event for their child and they don’t go back on their word!” or last but not least “GIRLS NIGHT OUT”/ “BOYS NIGHT OUT”.
I am not saying that going out with your friends without your significant other is not needed or necessary from time to time to continue to form intimate bonds with your friends or people you are close to other than your lover. Guys must hang out with other guys to cleanse their pallets after HOURS upon HOURS of shopping with their significant other for make-up, bras, kids clothes, their OWN clothes, work etc. A game of pool and a beer is NOT a means to say your partner is a HOMEBOY type. Even GUYtrips consisting of a small group of friends that get together every so often to keep up with life and one another’s movements and endeavors are nothing out of the ordinary. However, if he is going out with his homies EVERY week, for HOURS, coming home WHENEVER and unable to be there for you emotionally, intimately, romantically or spiritually because of an obligation to a person other than someone HIGHER on the totem poll AKA a PARENT (only if you are not married), then you may want to re-evaluate your place in their lives and what they truly value.
I would venture to say from a Black woman’s stand-point being a HOMEGIRL type is WORST than being a HOMEBOY type because unfortunately, HomeGIRL types often times end up being SINGLE mothers or not with the ORIGINAL father of their child. Again this is not because they are not WONDERFUL WOMEN, their priorities and responsibilities are set up in a way that does not put their partner first or allow their partner to feel secure. Instead they are/were to busy being a HOMEGIRL!!!!!! truth is SOME WOMEN HAVE TOO MUCH LOYALTY TO THE WRONG PEOPLE AND WRONG THINGS!!! It is not always the man’s fault if he decides he does not WANT TO BE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU WONT PRIORITIZE HINM! It does not always mean that the man is insecure because he does not want to CONTINUE to CHASE what he thought was already HIS!!!!!!!!!
Hanging out with your friends is a dope time to vent about the woes of the workplace, relationship and family issues if you are comfortable and would like some outside opinions from people you trust. However, be sure that the individuals you decide to accept opinions from have WHAT YOU WANT or ATLEAST something LIKE IT!! I wouldn’t ask a fish how to fly or a bird how to swim unless they were FLYING FISHES!!!!
Last but not least, if you have read this blog and feel I was talking TO YOU! Instead of feeling hit listen to how you can allow yourself to continue to LOVE your friends and loved ones but allow yourself to be LOVED also by those closest to you or trying to be. Remind yourself that their are levels to having ACCESS to you. Some people only get to know you on social media, some you may text from time to time or talk to on the phone, others you meet and share personal information about yourself with and some go on to be FAMILY, but not ALL. Remember that by prioritizing your family and friends you are in return prioritizing YOURSELF!! I am willing to accept any responses or feedback to this post!
Check out the PODCAST of this blog a 3 part SHORT Series, 3 reasons you are still SINGLE OVER 30:
Part 1: too much of a homeboy/home girl type:
Part 2: Still give off the perception of being in the “streets”
Part 3: Not Dating correctly!! Moving too fast